So I guess this is the official post.

In a little less than 3 months time I will be back living in the U.S. of A.

And with it comes the most whirlwind of tasks, decisions, and emotions that I have ever felt. I told my dad that it seems moving back is scarier than moving here. And as the day draws nearer and nearer I feel that more and more.

Why, do you ask, is going back to something familiar scary? Well, it’s not familiar anymore. And I’m not the same person I was when I left there. Not at all. I came across a notebook from my pre-field training last week. As I skimmed through that person’s answers to all kinds of questions, I only vaguely recognize her. She’s there and still a part of me I guess. But living here, serving here, and everything that comes with that has so shifted my worldview, has so grown my faith, has so matured me that even though it’s only been three years, it seems a lifetime ago that I was her.

And with that comes the how will I fit back into that world question? What about the relationships I had? Will they accept the new me? Will they understand how much my center has shifted and be able to accept it? Will I be ok if it’s not ok?

And the holidays, back as a single girl in the South. I cringed at them before. Seeing all these people who sort of know you and dealing with all the awkward questions. Now let’s tag along with mom and dad, with no job, no home, no car, no ‘validating’ spouse. Yeah, that’s gonna help my self-esteem. Maybe just before the holidays was a bad time to move back??

And that probably answers your next question. No, I don’t have a plan yet. God has made it clear that He answered the prayer for when it was time to go. Everything this side has fallen smoothly into place for my transition out. He just hasn’t orchestrated the next part yet. The planner in me wants to know. The new me knows somewhere deep down that I’m just not supposed to yet.

But here’s the other side of that remark. I don’t know how I feel about leaving. I know it’s the right time. I’m sad to leave. Really sad to leave some people. Terrified about what I’m going to have to tackle when I get back. Ok, that last one is a bit of an exaggeration. Anxious about returning to some friendships that I know won’t be the same. Happy to go back to some that have actually grown stronger with the distance. And about a million other things all at once! So thanks for the advice. I know God’s got this. I know He has a plan. But hearing it doesn’t really make it feel better.

I sit here looking around at the stuff. What will I keep? What will I give away? What do actually need to take back? How many times am I going to have to move it when I get to the U.S.? Is it worth the extra baggage fees? And on and on and on it goes.

So here I am again. Facing a transition. Leaving another identity behind. Knowing that the only one I have left after all the years of transition is just the one in Christ. He has taken the rest from me. And it’s not a bad thing. Just a very existential one. (And sometimes a lonely one.)

I’m sure the posts are going to get more interesting again from here on out. So here goes nothing….

cliff jump

One Response to “Transitions”

  1. JESS OLLIS says:

    Dear Jules,
    Thank you for sharing so openly and honestly. You will indeed be sorely missed by so many of us – although we don’t see each other too often now you are one very special young lady and such an example of what we should all be as we serve the Lord and trust Him with everything we have and are.
    As you say He will guide you and He has a perfect plan for your life – more exciting than you might ever dream of!
    Hope to have a few cuppas with you before you go dear friend.
    Love you lots.

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