The Unknown

lonely

It’s been a while since I blogged. It’s a bit overwhelming. Everything seems to be right now. I’ve been working on the classic “differences between the two worlds” one, but right now there’s something more to say about this return journey. The other one is coming. There is a lot to say about everything that has happened in the last six weeks (has really only been that long?!?!). I’m just not ready yet.

Surprisingly (or maybe not so much) the returning is much, MUCH harder than the going. I hate to say that out loud.

The worst part of life is not being known, not being understood. So I find myself back in a familiar land, with familiar people, places, and activities. And none of it is familiar. I might just be as much an alien to “them” as they are to me right now. And that is where the difficulty lies.

Your old world is still there. It continues to change (more about this in the next post) and you have the wonder of the internet to talk to old friends who now know you. They understand the struggles of Kommetjie Road traffic, the fear of PicNPay on the last Friday of the month, and the harder more intangible emotions that come with living and serving in an unfamiliar land. They get the inside jokes and your new weird sense of humor and view of the world. But they are still there and you are here. There are things you just can’t talk about with someone until you’ve walked that same road. That road is still to come for those I left behind in my home.

Your new world is here. But it’s different. You’re different. You left this world one person and came back an entirely different one. The people in your community don’t know and don’t understand this new one. Sure, the good and well intentions are there but it’s only natural to put you back in the context they knew you in. You’re surprised by who makes the effort to understand. And who doesn’t. Who asks and gives you the space to be different, to let you grieve for the world and life you left behind. Who expects you be the typical American and pull up your socks and get to work. At who reaches out. At who doesn’t.

I’l be honest. The anxiety of people has been real. Facing those questions that I don’t have the answers to yet. Facing the unknown. Figuring out what exactly has happened to me in the last few years of my life. I didn’t realize I had changed that much until I tried to put this now square peg back in the old round hole.

And so there it is. You don’t belong there. You don’t belong here. You are now truly a nomad in this world.

The realization that “home” isn’t there or here. That maybe now you have just an Kingdom view of home that nowhere will really be home again until that great and gloryful day.

…But I’m trying. One day at a time. One revealed step at time.

For I know the plans I have for you….

One Response to “The Unknown”

  1. Amanda Lowe says:

    Foxes have dens, and birds have nests… 🙂 We know perfectly well what you mean. It is good to know He knows the plans ahead, though, right? Thinking of you!

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  1. Linked Up | Shepherd's Staff Mission Facilitators - […] to say returning to America has been much harder than going to South Africa. Her post entitled The Unknown, shines a…

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